Sometimes I can feel crushed under the weight of my life. Emotions, stress, school, relationships, responsibility, energy--it can all be pretty intense, and when you are feeling the weight of those things.... well, it feels pretty lame and sucky. You feel tired. There's no peace. Even sleep doesn't do the job. It's awful! I've been there before!
But recently I encountered a situation that had previously been a 'crushing' experience--one that it would be very difficult for me to encounter without feeling some sort of emotional/physical turmoil. I even started to spend some time that night laying in bed, just thinking about this situation...you know what i mean. Just thinking. No resolution, no helpful progression of thought, just immobile thinking. Lame! That keeps you up half the night!
But Christ began to show me how I was viewing this particular situation. My view was from my perspective--viewed through emotion, position, etc. Very limited in scope. He then asked me to look with Him at these things going on. It was like I was trying to look at something a mile or two away while standing in the forest. I could maybe see what it looks like and make decisions off of that, but Christ was desiring to take me up into a tower, an airplane, a satellite to show me that particular thing I was looking at.
When you're looking with Christ at something, your perspective changes. Completely. You see it from a different angle. "Ohhhhhhhh!" you say. You might see things surrounding it that you didn't before. "I didn't even see that there!" You actually see where YOU are in relation to that. "Huh! I prolly don't even need to worry about this right now!" Seeing things with Christ is absolutely wonderful!
So, after spending some time awake, sifting through immobile thinking, Christ actually wanted to take me to this place of looking with him. When I did, things just clicked into place. Where I had been unable to come up with a way to deal with this situation, Christ revealed the way. Where I was unsure about my position, Christ gave me peace. I was able to go back to the same exact situation the next day, totally convinced of my place in Him, and encounter it in a completely different way--a way not based what I see with me, but what I see with Christ.
This is for life. We're one with Christ. This is who we are now. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
'My viewpoint' is actually from a dead man's eyes. But Christ is actually giving me life, and giving me sight to see the things around me, and beyond the scope of what Zach can see alone. Praise Jesus.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Gimme my tuition back
Even though my professor was really cool, and it seemed like class would be fun, and there was quite an attractive young lady in the class, I still dropped the course when I found out it wouldn't transfer to Wayne (though I considered keeping the class for a good 8 seconds).
No worries, I still got Brit Lit 1 to keep me company for the next few weeks.
No worries, I still got Brit Lit 1 to keep me company for the next few weeks.
Monday, January 11, 2010
The focus of the Season
This semester is going to be very cool, but i anticipate it to be possibly/probably challenging. My life is going to be extremely focused for the next couple of months--3 major areas of my life will be centered around working with youth: my work (at the 'field Zone), my school (pre-student teaching), and at church (with the youth). I don't think my life has ever been this focused. It's pretty much youth and worship right now. The Lord hasn't really allowed there to be any room for focus on anything else right now--it's kind of crazy. Even though I've tried to pull things into it, they actually never came into fruition, and i was really frustrated as to why they weren't working...
...until I realized the focus of the season. There is some really intense stuff being put in front of me, and it's going to be awesome. Anything extra would really just be a distraction, and would hinder me not only in these areas of worship and youth ministry, but also hinder me in my ability to hold whatever-it-is up as well.
Let's face it. I've always had a huge desire for...well, ultimately a wife. I've spent years trying to put stuff together, to create the circumstance and relationship that would allow this desire to be fulfilled... and I've done a pretty bad job at it. The Lord has been clear--for MONTHS--that finding a spouse is NOT my focus right now, and I've actually gotten to the point where I believe him. It's kind of strange, to be honest. It changes behavior, it changes the grid of importance.
This has just been something stirring in me for the past few months, and it really began to bubble and boil in the last couple of weeks. Just pray for me in this season--it's gonna be a good one.
...until I realized the focus of the season. There is some really intense stuff being put in front of me, and it's going to be awesome. Anything extra would really just be a distraction, and would hinder me not only in these areas of worship and youth ministry, but also hinder me in my ability to hold whatever-it-is up as well.
Let's face it. I've always had a huge desire for...well, ultimately a wife. I've spent years trying to put stuff together, to create the circumstance and relationship that would allow this desire to be fulfilled... and I've done a pretty bad job at it. The Lord has been clear--for MONTHS--that finding a spouse is NOT my focus right now, and I've actually gotten to the point where I believe him. It's kind of strange, to be honest. It changes behavior, it changes the grid of importance.
This has just been something stirring in me for the past few months, and it really began to bubble and boil in the last couple of weeks. Just pray for me in this season--it's gonna be a good one.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Upholding, Maintaining, Guiding, and Propelling
I had to take this semester off of school for financial reasons--basically, I had to come up with $3600 before I was allowed to take any more classes. And as of last week, that tuition was paid off (Yes!!). I was (and still am) REALLY excited to go back to school... I really ENJOY school, and was very eager to register and get started again in January.
I spent this weekend moving classes around, getting excited for class, registering, getting excited, scheduling, getting excited, and etc. And one of the first things that actually hits me monday morning is seeing how much all this is going to cost. Right when I see that big fat number, I immediately get into this anxious mode: "How am I going to pay for tuition", "Why do I have to take these classes", "What am I going to do?", etc. I was bummed! Even after that, I begin to encounter all sorts of dynamics that seem to be going against this genuine excitement for my education.
I had an assignment this week to look at Hebrews 1:1-3, spend some time focusing on it, and then look at different areas of my life through the 'lens' of that specific scripture. The 'Big 3' I have at the time are my Education, my relationships, and my 'personal growth'--for lack of a better term. Initially, I was somewhat hesitant--I normally don't spend a large portion of time dedicated to such a concentrated portion of scripture.. but, in submission, i persevered. Here's the reference:
"In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, (3)but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. (3)The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven." Hebrews 1:1-3, NIV
So what? Sweet. Jesus. Glory. King. Yes yes yes. But where does this impact where I am now? "Now God, I've sure got a lot of ISSUES, so you need to tell me HOW THIS APPLIES."
Ok. Sure! The Holy Spirit began speaking to me almost immediately--initially in this area of school. I actually wrote down this passage from the NIV before i actually 'got started'.
"...through whom he made the universe..."
Through Christ, Wayne State University exists and is still functioning today. Through Christ Wayne State University was made, and Christ is the heir to Wayne State University. He has "made, produced, built, operated, and arranged" WSU to be what it is right now.
This slightly changes my attitude when I hand Wayne a check for a couple of G's. My money isn't going into the pocket of some Dean or professor--Well, yeah, it is--but the person that is actually operating Wayne State is Christ. I'm actually giving my money to Christ in the act of paying my tuition.
When I see if like this, it is much more comforting than just thinking I'm giving money to the man. It changes what I can expect by me investing in this education experience.
The Universe--which just happens to include my education, my relationships, and my 'personal growth', is not, contrary to popular belief, upheld by my "mighty word of power." My education, my relationships, and my 'personal growth' is actually upheld by Christ's mighty word of power. What a relief!
'Sustaining' is the word used in the NIV, but in the amplified, it says something different: "He is [...] upholding and maintaining and guiding and propelling the universe by His mighty word of power." Sweet! What does this actually mean?
Praise Jesus for Webster!
Uphold: To support or defend (from criticism)
Maintain: To keep in existence or continuance; to affirm; to hold against attack; to keep in a specified state or position.
Guide: to direct the movement or course of.
Propel: to drive forward or onward.
This is powerful. This totally makes a difference in how I view my current position at Wayne State, or my current state of singleness, or my current spiritual/emotional state. Jesus Christ's mighty word of power is upholding, maintaining, guiding, and propelling ZACH FIFELSKI.
It continues to amaze me how much of the gospel isn't about me. This whole U-M-G-P thing isn't something I'm doing. It's not even something I can say "Ok, God! I'm going to LET you do this thing now!" It is HIS mighty word that is UMGPing it up--holding my college journey together, holding my relationships together, holding my life together.
This isn't just a preachy, feel good, change-your-mindset belief system. This is the Message of truth--this is the Gospel.
It's just the truth.
I spent this weekend moving classes around, getting excited for class, registering, getting excited, scheduling, getting excited, and etc. And one of the first things that actually hits me monday morning is seeing how much all this is going to cost. Right when I see that big fat number, I immediately get into this anxious mode: "How am I going to pay for tuition", "Why do I have to take these classes", "What am I going to do?", etc. I was bummed! Even after that, I begin to encounter all sorts of dynamics that seem to be going against this genuine excitement for my education.
I had an assignment this week to look at Hebrews 1:1-3, spend some time focusing on it, and then look at different areas of my life through the 'lens' of that specific scripture. The 'Big 3' I have at the time are my Education, my relationships, and my 'personal growth'--for lack of a better term. Initially, I was somewhat hesitant--I normally don't spend a large portion of time dedicated to such a concentrated portion of scripture.. but, in submission, i persevered. Here's the reference:
"In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, (3)but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. (3)The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven." Hebrews 1:1-3, NIV
So what? Sweet. Jesus. Glory. King. Yes yes yes. But where does this impact where I am now? "Now God, I've sure got a lot of ISSUES, so you need to tell me HOW THIS APPLIES."
Ok. Sure! The Holy Spirit began speaking to me almost immediately--initially in this area of school. I actually wrote down this passage from the NIV before i actually 'got started'.
"...through whom he made the universe..."
Through Christ, Wayne State University exists and is still functioning today. Through Christ Wayne State University was made, and Christ is the heir to Wayne State University. He has "made, produced, built, operated, and arranged" WSU to be what it is right now.
This slightly changes my attitude when I hand Wayne a check for a couple of G's. My money isn't going into the pocket of some Dean or professor--Well, yeah, it is--but the person that is actually operating Wayne State is Christ. I'm actually giving my money to Christ in the act of paying my tuition.
When I see if like this, it is much more comforting than just thinking I'm giving money to the man. It changes what I can expect by me investing in this education experience.
The Universe--which just happens to include my education, my relationships, and my 'personal growth', is not, contrary to popular belief, upheld by my "mighty word of power." My education, my relationships, and my 'personal growth' is actually upheld by Christ's mighty word of power. What a relief!
'Sustaining' is the word used in the NIV, but in the amplified, it says something different: "He is [...] upholding and maintaining and guiding and propelling the universe by His mighty word of power." Sweet! What does this actually mean?
Praise Jesus for Webster!
Uphold: To support or defend (from criticism)
Maintain: To keep in existence or continuance; to affirm; to hold against attack; to keep in a specified state or position.
Guide: to direct the movement or course of.
Propel: to drive forward or onward.
This is powerful. This totally makes a difference in how I view my current position at Wayne State, or my current state of singleness, or my current spiritual/emotional state. Jesus Christ's mighty word of power is upholding, maintaining, guiding, and propelling ZACH FIFELSKI.
It continues to amaze me how much of the gospel isn't about me. This whole U-M-G-P thing isn't something I'm doing. It's not even something I can say "Ok, God! I'm going to LET you do this thing now!" It is HIS mighty word that is UMGPing it up--holding my college journey together, holding my relationships together, holding my life together.
This isn't just a preachy, feel good, change-your-mindset belief system. This is the Message of truth--this is the Gospel.
It's just the truth.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
40 days of...
There's a lot of '40 days' stuff going around I feel... '40 days of blogging'... '40 days of writing a song every day'... '40 days of fasting'....
Honestly, it seems kind of attractive. I start to think 'Hmm, what's something that I can do for 40 days that will be awesome and challenge me?'
I don't rightly know. I've honestly played with little ideas of cool creative things here and there, but never really followed through with anything... i mean, when it comes down to it, i have big ideas, but i think too much, and they get too big in my brain, and i get to a point where i say this is too much and i back off.
One step at a time. I'm in the process of completing a project that is long overdue--you'll hear more about this as it gets closer to the new year--after there, who knows. Maybe i finally will pull the next 'project' off the self for the world to see.
Honestly, it seems kind of attractive. I start to think 'Hmm, what's something that I can do for 40 days that will be awesome and challenge me?'
I don't rightly know. I've honestly played with little ideas of cool creative things here and there, but never really followed through with anything... i mean, when it comes down to it, i have big ideas, but i think too much, and they get too big in my brain, and i get to a point where i say this is too much and i back off.
One step at a time. I'm in the process of completing a project that is long overdue--you'll hear more about this as it gets closer to the new year--after there, who knows. Maybe i finally will pull the next 'project' off the self for the world to see.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Bobby
One of our 'usuals' came into panera today--Bobby. Coolest looking guy ever. He's a biker grandpa--totally sports the leather and the gigantic long beard, and still manages to look like the gentlest dude you have ever met (he actually calls me dude). He's been coming in for the past couple of years. I've talked to about bikes and Macs and all sorts of awesome things that he's into.
A year or two ago--back when the MDCC Tribe was still meeting up--the Lord put Bobby on my heart. I found out that his wife had been diagnosed with cancer, and I remember at one of the meetings the Lord showed me a picture that i believed he wanted me to share with Bobby. I dont think i ever did, but i definitely remember Bobby being one of hte first customers at Panera that i openly told that I was going to pray for. I found out Bobby is actually a christian--totally awesome. He came in every now and then, I would ask him how his wife was doing and he would give me updates and i would continue to pray for him. As time went on, he would come in less and less.
Today he came in, and i havent seen him in a while... I think I saw him at Leos in royal oak one time... but it had definitely been a few months... He saw me and smiled and waved and we started catching up...
...and i found out his wife died a couple months ago. He just came right out and said it. "I'm not doing too good, man." He was on the verge of tears. Apparantly, she had gotten HEALED of cancer--Bobby testified to that--and she had gone into the hospital for something else, and had been overdosed on morphine. This is where i go ????
The absolute pain that this man was in was heartbreaking. I went to the side with him and he was just talking... I didnt even know what to say. He has got to be at least 70 and he is just pouring his heart out to me right in the middle of panera bread.
I really didnt have any grid for what he was going through, and I told him that. All i could say was that God is still good... that God was in control... and I did not understand the situation at all... but that Jesus was much bigger.. and in Christ there was peace.
At the same time... i DONT know what to say. This is the point when I really go "Do I really believe what I'm saying?" I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this kind of heartbreak that Bobby is going through. But the Gospel is TRUTH. I do not understand why Bobby's wife died...but the Gospel is Truth.
idk.
i've been on this issue of death for a couple of weeks. idk why. its really challenging me, and by that I mean i am challenged. I am struggling for the "right words" or whatever or the "right mindset" in this place. All i have is Jesus, and thats all i can give to people.
A year or two ago--back when the MDCC Tribe was still meeting up--the Lord put Bobby on my heart. I found out that his wife had been diagnosed with cancer, and I remember at one of the meetings the Lord showed me a picture that i believed he wanted me to share with Bobby. I dont think i ever did, but i definitely remember Bobby being one of hte first customers at Panera that i openly told that I was going to pray for. I found out Bobby is actually a christian--totally awesome. He came in every now and then, I would ask him how his wife was doing and he would give me updates and i would continue to pray for him. As time went on, he would come in less and less.
Today he came in, and i havent seen him in a while... I think I saw him at Leos in royal oak one time... but it had definitely been a few months... He saw me and smiled and waved and we started catching up...
...and i found out his wife died a couple months ago. He just came right out and said it. "I'm not doing too good, man." He was on the verge of tears. Apparantly, she had gotten HEALED of cancer--Bobby testified to that--and she had gone into the hospital for something else, and had been overdosed on morphine. This is where i go ????
The absolute pain that this man was in was heartbreaking. I went to the side with him and he was just talking... I didnt even know what to say. He has got to be at least 70 and he is just pouring his heart out to me right in the middle of panera bread.
I really didnt have any grid for what he was going through, and I told him that. All i could say was that God is still good... that God was in control... and I did not understand the situation at all... but that Jesus was much bigger.. and in Christ there was peace.
At the same time... i DONT know what to say. This is the point when I really go "Do I really believe what I'm saying?" I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this kind of heartbreak that Bobby is going through. But the Gospel is TRUTH. I do not understand why Bobby's wife died...but the Gospel is Truth.
idk.
i've been on this issue of death for a couple of weeks. idk why. its really challenging me, and by that I mean i am challenged. I am struggling for the "right words" or whatever or the "right mindset" in this place. All i have is Jesus, and thats all i can give to people.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
bip! bap! bam!
there's totally something different and great about making friends via xbox live.
theres just some magic that happens when you play a few games with some random guys you dont even know, like making up songs, talking like arnold schwarzenager (sp?), and just talking about hilariously funny things.
i dont even know any of these guys real names.
I just play halo with them.
its so totally strange, but its totally awesome at the same time.
theres just some magic that happens when you play a few games with some random guys you dont even know, like making up songs, talking like arnold schwarzenager (sp?), and just talking about hilariously funny things.
i dont even know any of these guys real names.
I just play halo with them.
its so totally strange, but its totally awesome at the same time.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Competitive
I find that I am quite competitive, but in a specific way.
I really enjoy games in which there is actually a means for me actually win, whether by strategy or skill--usually both. This is why i enjoy games such as Settlers of Catan, Halo, pool (very recently), etc. In each one of these games there are certain rules and guidelines that must be followed, but there is also a strategy to win in each one of these. If there is not a feasible way in which to win, or I have a small chance in winning, or it isnt based on skill, i really don't like it.
And that is why i HATE the game Apples to Apples SO MUCH.
I really enjoy games in which there is actually a means for me actually win, whether by strategy or skill--usually both. This is why i enjoy games such as Settlers of Catan, Halo, pool (very recently), etc. In each one of these games there are certain rules and guidelines that must be followed, but there is also a strategy to win in each one of these. If there is not a feasible way in which to win, or I have a small chance in winning, or it isnt based on skill, i really don't like it.
And that is why i HATE the game Apples to Apples SO MUCH.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Keane etc.
Yea, so every once in a while i stumble upon an album that i really really like, and currently this album is Keane's Under the Iron Sea... honestly I had never given Keane a real listening chance before this, so this album was a completely new experience for me... I've got to say it's definitely one of my favorites.
The song "Atlantic" just gives me chills, man. Brilliant.
The song "Atlantic" just gives me chills, man. Brilliant.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
The New Car
So. I got a new car.
Someone gave it to me.
Someone I don't even know.
And they gave it to me for $0.
The car is actually nicer than my parents car.
Thank you JESUS.
The story is this.
Mike Kimball's cousin was driving a car her parents had given her years ago. She got married last year, and they just recently bought her a new car... as well as a new one for themselves. Her father (Mike's uncle) decided he didn't really feel like selling it or donating it, so he decided to give it to someone. None of Mike's brothers needed it, which is CRAZY, because they have about a bajillion kids and 8 different reasons for needing a car each second. But none of them needed it, so Mike thought of me and gave me a call.
That's not all, though. someone from church (still have no idea who it is) has been leaving $10 in the offering basket just about every week since last september. So, I actually already have quite a chunk of money set aside for insurance and gas already. I don't need to pay a cent.
Being that this car came to me for free, all of my money i was originally saving for a car is now going towards school, which takes out 1/3 of the tuition money i still owe from last year.
God is so good!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Thanks, Bob
The guilty undertaker sighs,
The lonesome organ grinder cries,
The silver saxophones say I should refuse you.
The cracked bells and washed-out horns
Blow into my face with scorn,
But it's not that way,
I wasn't born to lose you.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.
The drunken politician leaps
Upon the street where mothers weep
And the saviors who are fast asleep,
They wait for you.
And I wait for them to interrupt
Me drinkin' from my broken cup
And ask me to
Open up the gate for you.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.
Now all my fathers, they've gone down
True love they've been without it.
But all their daughters put me down
'Cause I don't think about it.
Well, I return to the Queen of Spades
And talk with my chambermaid.
She knows that I'm not afraid
To look at her.
She is good to me
And there's nothing she doesn't see.
She knows where I'd like to be
But it doesn't matter.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.
Now your dancing child with his Chinese suit,
He spoke to me, I took his flute.
No, I wasn't very cute to him,
Was I?
But I did it, though, because he lied
Because he took you for a ride
And because time was on his side
And because I . . .
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Finding Life
I'll be honest: I've had a really tough past few weeks. Lots of different things going on, lots of things to get all stressed out and emotional over.
As many of you know, I've been going to Wayne State University in the beautiful city of Detroit. About a month ago, I had applied for a Federal Direct Subsidized Loan to pay for my previous semester in the spring. Up until last week, it had not gone through, so i decided to go down and ask them if there was anything else i needed to do.
I come to find out that the loan i had applied for had expired--since i hadn't applied for it during the actual semester, and since i didn't take summer classes at WSU, it hadn't been renewed and, in fact, expired, so i couldn't use it to pay for my school.
The first thought that runs through my brain is: "This sucks." Basically, I can't register for class because i still have tuition from last year. I'm really scared and hesitant to take out a private loan, because of the horror stories I've heard and seen. So after praying about it for a few days (because classes start in a week and a half), i come to 2 conclusions. Either the Lord is going to give me the money (somehow), or I'm going to take the semester off.
Now, at this point, the only reason I'm going to take out a loan is if the Lord tells me to... otherwise I'm not going to put myself into debt. At this point, it seems like I'm going to have to take the semester off and work to pay off my tuition and resume school in January.
If any of you know me at all, then you know that initially this is not my first choice. To be honest, I really don't mind school. I was actually really looking forward to it this year. I really want to be done, but simply for the fact that I want to start teaching right now. It's exciting to think about, but when something like this happens, and it seems like I'm going to have to wait another semester to even get started (its going to be 2 years at least before I'm done), I get really frustrated and upset.
I hear all these thoughts--they're actually threats, when I think about it-- "Now what do I do? I thought this was what God wanted... but why is this happening?" "Dang it! Now I am going to have to wait even longer in order to start dealing with kids!" "Crap! I thought this was my destiny!"
All these thoughts of uncertainty, fear, frustration, confusion, panic, and anger come rushing through. The thoughts--threats--themselves can be quite scary.
I can even to back and begin to think about the mistakes I've made--which ultimately results in self-punishment and self-hatred: "If I had only applied for the loan when I had the chance instead of putting it off..." or "If i had only worked more hours during the school year so I would have had the money to pay it off..." or, going back even further, "If i hadn't screwed around in High School, i would have gotten a scholarship somewhere and wouldn't even have this problem..."
You can feel the kind of atmosphere that those thoughts bring. Combined with all of the emotions and threats mentioned above, it creates this really gross atmosphere of death--it not only affects me; it affects the people i relate to.
There ends up being this overlaying 'sound' in all of this--this threatening, scary, earthy sound of death. Failure. Panic. As all of those things and those thoughts and threats are entertained, the atmosphere of death seems to become more and more like reality.
But there's another sound that begins to break through all of this--the message. The sound of the gospel.
Here's the truth. I'm already dead. Zach Fifelski was co-crucified with Christ on the cross. All of these sounds of death are targeting some notion that, somehow, I have control over my life, that my 'destiny', if i can use that word, is something that I need to reach through my own efforts, and that these occurances and circumstances in my life are obstacles for me to go around and overcome.
But I'm already dead.
I don't have any control. I'm not my own.
I'm dead to all those threats. Kind of a gross illustration, but if you were to poke some dead animal on the side of the road, it wouldn't get irritated and flustered with you. It wouldn't look at you and tell you to stop, partly because animals don't talk, but more for the reason that it's already dead. It is unresponsive. Even if you did things to it that would normally kill it, like cut off it's head, or throw it in some water, it wouldn't die more, because it's already dead.
This sound begins to break through the atmosphere. This truth, this gospel of Jesus Christ. I died with him.
When Jesus encountered Herod and Pilot, they were not obstacles that he had to get over. Yes, from an earthy point of view, they were threats--threats to Jesus' destiny. But in reality--reality being the supernatural, heavenly truth--they were tools. They were actually used to bring Jesus into glory on the cross. Sure, they might not have thought so... they might have even thought that they were doing something independantly and out of their own will. But they weren't. When the perspective changes from these men being obstacles to these men being tools, everything shifts.
I can view this financial situation in the same way. These challenges I'm encountering aren't obstacles, but tools. Yes, I have made mistakes, but there's no mistakes in Christ. He used those mistakes and circumstances to bring me where I am right now. Even the whole notion of me being unable to fulfill my 'destiny' as a person who loves to interact and minister to kids is silly... as if the only medium in which I can do that was by having a BA in Education from Wayne State.
I'm already doing all of that. I'm one of the youth leaders at MDCC. I counsel at a Bible Camp.
So what does this upcoming year have in store for me? Who knows! There is a truth, however, that breaks through all of the earthly panic and fear that is just kind of floating around. This truth is that i have a loving Father. He didn't just place me here and go ''Ok, son. Give me a ring when you graduate, and we'll talk then about serving me. Hopefully you don't screw up, because I'm going to go over here for a few years." He is with me, every step. Even the mistakes I make and kick myself over are justified in the cross. I don't have my own plan, I don't have control.
Believe it or not, this is something that has been coming full circle in my life. Like i said, I've had a really tough past few weeks. Several different things going on, and it all comes back to this truth of me being dead.
So what do I do? I praise God for what he has done, and for what he is doing. I find life in this place of death. It's not just some words that I'm saying to manipulate myself. They're not cheerful mindsets to try to work myself into. This is the truth. This is the gospel. This is really the place that I find life. Praise Jesus.
As many of you know, I've been going to Wayne State University in the beautiful city of Detroit. About a month ago, I had applied for a Federal Direct Subsidized Loan to pay for my previous semester in the spring. Up until last week, it had not gone through, so i decided to go down and ask them if there was anything else i needed to do.
I come to find out that the loan i had applied for had expired--since i hadn't applied for it during the actual semester, and since i didn't take summer classes at WSU, it hadn't been renewed and, in fact, expired, so i couldn't use it to pay for my school.
The first thought that runs through my brain is: "This sucks." Basically, I can't register for class because i still have tuition from last year. I'm really scared and hesitant to take out a private loan, because of the horror stories I've heard and seen. So after praying about it for a few days (because classes start in a week and a half), i come to 2 conclusions. Either the Lord is going to give me the money (somehow), or I'm going to take the semester off.
Now, at this point, the only reason I'm going to take out a loan is if the Lord tells me to... otherwise I'm not going to put myself into debt. At this point, it seems like I'm going to have to take the semester off and work to pay off my tuition and resume school in January.
If any of you know me at all, then you know that initially this is not my first choice. To be honest, I really don't mind school. I was actually really looking forward to it this year. I really want to be done, but simply for the fact that I want to start teaching right now. It's exciting to think about, but when something like this happens, and it seems like I'm going to have to wait another semester to even get started (its going to be 2 years at least before I'm done), I get really frustrated and upset.
I hear all these thoughts--they're actually threats, when I think about it-- "Now what do I do? I thought this was what God wanted... but why is this happening?" "Dang it! Now I am going to have to wait even longer in order to start dealing with kids!" "Crap! I thought this was my destiny!"
All these thoughts of uncertainty, fear, frustration, confusion, panic, and anger come rushing through. The thoughts--threats--themselves can be quite scary.
I can even to back and begin to think about the mistakes I've made--which ultimately results in self-punishment and self-hatred: "If I had only applied for the loan when I had the chance instead of putting it off..." or "If i had only worked more hours during the school year so I would have had the money to pay it off..." or, going back even further, "If i hadn't screwed around in High School, i would have gotten a scholarship somewhere and wouldn't even have this problem..."
You can feel the kind of atmosphere that those thoughts bring. Combined with all of the emotions and threats mentioned above, it creates this really gross atmosphere of death--it not only affects me; it affects the people i relate to.
There ends up being this overlaying 'sound' in all of this--this threatening, scary, earthy sound of death. Failure. Panic. As all of those things and those thoughts and threats are entertained, the atmosphere of death seems to become more and more like reality.
But there's another sound that begins to break through all of this--the message. The sound of the gospel.
Here's the truth. I'm already dead. Zach Fifelski was co-crucified with Christ on the cross. All of these sounds of death are targeting some notion that, somehow, I have control over my life, that my 'destiny', if i can use that word, is something that I need to reach through my own efforts, and that these occurances and circumstances in my life are obstacles for me to go around and overcome.
But I'm already dead.
I don't have any control. I'm not my own.
I'm dead to all those threats. Kind of a gross illustration, but if you were to poke some dead animal on the side of the road, it wouldn't get irritated and flustered with you. It wouldn't look at you and tell you to stop, partly because animals don't talk, but more for the reason that it's already dead. It is unresponsive. Even if you did things to it that would normally kill it, like cut off it's head, or throw it in some water, it wouldn't die more, because it's already dead.
This sound begins to break through the atmosphere. This truth, this gospel of Jesus Christ. I died with him.
When Jesus encountered Herod and Pilot, they were not obstacles that he had to get over. Yes, from an earthy point of view, they were threats--threats to Jesus' destiny. But in reality--reality being the supernatural, heavenly truth--they were tools. They were actually used to bring Jesus into glory on the cross. Sure, they might not have thought so... they might have even thought that they were doing something independantly and out of their own will. But they weren't. When the perspective changes from these men being obstacles to these men being tools, everything shifts.
I can view this financial situation in the same way. These challenges I'm encountering aren't obstacles, but tools. Yes, I have made mistakes, but there's no mistakes in Christ. He used those mistakes and circumstances to bring me where I am right now. Even the whole notion of me being unable to fulfill my 'destiny' as a person who loves to interact and minister to kids is silly... as if the only medium in which I can do that was by having a BA in Education from Wayne State.
I'm already doing all of that. I'm one of the youth leaders at MDCC. I counsel at a Bible Camp.
So what does this upcoming year have in store for me? Who knows! There is a truth, however, that breaks through all of the earthly panic and fear that is just kind of floating around. This truth is that i have a loving Father. He didn't just place me here and go ''Ok, son. Give me a ring when you graduate, and we'll talk then about serving me. Hopefully you don't screw up, because I'm going to go over here for a few years." He is with me, every step. Even the mistakes I make and kick myself over are justified in the cross. I don't have my own plan, I don't have control.
Believe it or not, this is something that has been coming full circle in my life. Like i said, I've had a really tough past few weeks. Several different things going on, and it all comes back to this truth of me being dead.
So what do I do? I praise God for what he has done, and for what he is doing. I find life in this place of death. It's not just some words that I'm saying to manipulate myself. They're not cheerful mindsets to try to work myself into. This is the truth. This is the gospel. This is really the place that I find life. Praise Jesus.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
A soft heart
I always find myself having an almost uncomfortably soft heart, especially on the last day of camp. Lots of friendships that, at the beginning of the week, were non-existent; emotional tiredness; and an intimacy that comes from looking back on a week full of God's presence.
This week 2 of the guys in my cabin accepted the Lord into their hearts. It was actually a huge surprise.. I had expected to be the one to 'lead them' into their salvation. There can almost be this pressure when you're a counselor that, if you don't do it right, then the kids won't experience Jesus, that they won't get saved, that they will miss out on the blessing....
False.
These guys didn't need me. Jesus didn't need me. Their salvation came from him, not from me. It was such a blessing for them to then share with me about their decision, and to feel the love and affection they had for me as their counselor, but it was such a relief to see Jesus wrapping his arms around these kids without any need for my assistance.
My cabin was great. Real joy and laughter occured every day... by the end of the week there was a real unity present that wasn't there in the other cabins. They made each other laugh, they made me laugh: it was just a good time. Oscar, Ainsley, Matt, Tony, Carson, Tyler, Carl, and Ray. What awesome guys.
Soft heart syndrome comes from a week of laboring. It truly is labor... maybe 6 hours of sleep a night, a full day of throwing your entire body--and emotions--into your cabin and into your team. I think lots of camp relationships occur because that's when people are most intimate--they are completely going crazy and passionate and they are seeing an extreme version of themselves and each other. I almost cried today hugging my co-counselor, David... it was his first week counseling, and he was such a support this whole week and it was a huge blessing working with him... I started to choke up and gave him a big pat on the back.
It was also a blessing to have such support from above.The directors continually encouraged me and blessed me with their leadership. Those guys do a great job.
What a week. There's rumors of going to see the new Harry Potter... but im so tired. Then again, i leave to go on vacation on lake michigan tomorrow... so i can still have 24 hours of exhaustion before i leave. Oh well.
Pray for Tyler and Carson. Those are the two guys that became christians this week--they truly are two awesome guys, and I really want their faith to continue to grow like it has this whole week.
This week 2 of the guys in my cabin accepted the Lord into their hearts. It was actually a huge surprise.. I had expected to be the one to 'lead them' into their salvation. There can almost be this pressure when you're a counselor that, if you don't do it right, then the kids won't experience Jesus, that they won't get saved, that they will miss out on the blessing....
False.
These guys didn't need me. Jesus didn't need me. Their salvation came from him, not from me. It was such a blessing for them to then share with me about their decision, and to feel the love and affection they had for me as their counselor, but it was such a relief to see Jesus wrapping his arms around these kids without any need for my assistance.
My cabin was great. Real joy and laughter occured every day... by the end of the week there was a real unity present that wasn't there in the other cabins. They made each other laugh, they made me laugh: it was just a good time. Oscar, Ainsley, Matt, Tony, Carson, Tyler, Carl, and Ray. What awesome guys.
Soft heart syndrome comes from a week of laboring. It truly is labor... maybe 6 hours of sleep a night, a full day of throwing your entire body--and emotions--into your cabin and into your team. I think lots of camp relationships occur because that's when people are most intimate--they are completely going crazy and passionate and they are seeing an extreme version of themselves and each other. I almost cried today hugging my co-counselor, David... it was his first week counseling, and he was such a support this whole week and it was a huge blessing working with him... I started to choke up and gave him a big pat on the back.
It was also a blessing to have such support from above.The directors continually encouraged me and blessed me with their leadership. Those guys do a great job.
What a week. There's rumors of going to see the new Harry Potter... but im so tired. Then again, i leave to go on vacation on lake michigan tomorrow... so i can still have 24 hours of exhaustion before i leave. Oh well.
Pray for Tyler and Carson. Those are the two guys that became christians this week--they truly are two awesome guys, and I really want their faith to continue to grow like it has this whole week.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Wilderness-man
When the people followed Jesus into the wild-er-ness in mark 8, what were they going on? I mean, Jesus did not say "If you do this, i'll feed you", or "You will see financial blessing!". He didn't even say "Don't worry, you won't die." He just went, and they followed.
It's crazy because, even though he did feed them after 3 days, they had nothing else to go on other than trusting that he knew what he was doing--that he knew where he was taking them. If they had died following him, it would have been to his glory. They went with the knowledge that, "Hey, wait. I could die doing this. But that's ok."
That is actually what Jesus expects. Our death is something that we need to be comfortable with. Jesus actually believes more in my death than I do (thanks Rflu), so when he does something absolutely crazy like lead me 3 days into the wilderness, he's not thinking "Man, I sure hope he can handle this, otherwise..." No way! He's operating out of the truth of me already being dead, so death isn't an issue.
So here I am. The wilderness. I will die if i go back now. I could die if I stay here. That's something that I'm slowly becomming ok with. All I really know is the guy that I'm following.
It's crazy because, even though he did feed them after 3 days, they had nothing else to go on other than trusting that he knew what he was doing--that he knew where he was taking them. If they had died following him, it would have been to his glory. They went with the knowledge that, "Hey, wait. I could die doing this. But that's ok."
That is actually what Jesus expects. Our death is something that we need to be comfortable with. Jesus actually believes more in my death than I do (thanks Rflu), so when he does something absolutely crazy like lead me 3 days into the wilderness, he's not thinking "Man, I sure hope he can handle this, otherwise..." No way! He's operating out of the truth of me already being dead, so death isn't an issue.
So here I am. The wilderness. I will die if i go back now. I could die if I stay here. That's something that I'm slowly becomming ok with. All I really know is the guy that I'm following.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
What are you doing?
Here's what I'm doing.
-Writing: (and recording) the next album, aiming to be done mid-september; a short-story (which is more of a 'study' of certain elements--character, setting, tone, etc--that I'm toying with in a larger project.)
-Reading: The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason; The Fires from Heaven by Robert Jordan; and a collection of Dostoyevsky stories, currently White Nights (love his characterization of a house in the beginning... writers back then were just good at that sort of thing.)
-Watching: Life on Mars (the BBC version. Seriously, folks, this show is pretty cool. The US version seemed like it was good, though it only lasted one season so they had to end it early, and thus had to change the ending. The BBC version is allegedly quite different, and it continues.)
-Listening: Not much, actually. I'm in this musical mode where i'm playing more than i'm listening, and when i'm listening it's to myself. It's a good season... doesn't happen much, so i'm letting it happen.
-Hearing: There is a new revelation of the Cross and of Christ to step into every day. Neat.
I leave friday or saturday for camp, then up north. these next 2 1/2 weeks will be good.
-Writing: (and recording) the next album, aiming to be done mid-september; a short-story (which is more of a 'study' of certain elements--character, setting, tone, etc--that I'm toying with in a larger project.)
-Reading: The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason; The Fires from Heaven by Robert Jordan; and a collection of Dostoyevsky stories, currently White Nights (love his characterization of a house in the beginning... writers back then were just good at that sort of thing.)
-Watching: Life on Mars (the BBC version. Seriously, folks, this show is pretty cool. The US version seemed like it was good, though it only lasted one season so they had to end it early, and thus had to change the ending. The BBC version is allegedly quite different, and it continues.)
-Listening: Not much, actually. I'm in this musical mode where i'm playing more than i'm listening, and when i'm listening it's to myself. It's a good season... doesn't happen much, so i'm letting it happen.
-Hearing: There is a new revelation of the Cross and of Christ to step into every day. Neat.
I leave friday or saturday for camp, then up north. these next 2 1/2 weeks will be good.
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