Warning: Serious personal blog ahead

Whatever is it that happens to make you so sure of something--to have total certainty that something is going in this direction--and then to have that hope be challenged?

The Lord challenged me massively on friday relating to a certain 'issue' that ive been dealing with for over a year--something that, until friday, i had been so certain about... the Lord's voice was stronger than it had ever been in my entire life--there was massive favor and encouragement present--and his presence in my life has been huge--not directly as a result of this issue, however, but i can see the intensity of my relationship has grown just by observing the progress of this issue.

And on friday, the Lord told me to let it go.

oh.
ok.

So what happens now?

I know that he isn't going to leave me now, I know that he knows what he's doing, but its still heartbreaking.

I have a natural inclination to find a purpose for everything going on--meaning to how and why i feel certain ways, why things work out the way they do, and why situations must be. This kind of situation im currently in, then, throws a big wrench in that whole rational line of thought.

Does there have to be a reason for everything? Do i have to understand why everything happened? No, of course not. His ways are higher than my ways. I don't get it 98% of the time. But that doesnt mean i dont want to understand whats going on, why things happened, where this leads.

It's all relatively tough to wrap my brain around, so i can imagine how chaotic all this sounds being its so vague.

There is a faith, there is a hope, there is a love. These aren't just nice concepts--they're real things. This is exactly the kind of situation that they are made for. In fact, this is the type of situation in which the Lord wants us to take hold of him--and thats exactly what I did on friday; its exactly what I'm doing now, at every moment.

That's all.

PS I deleted my facebook. I know its not permanent, but whew! Look how much time i have!

Recollections 1

I remember once when i was little my family went out to eat somewhere. I remember looking at this guy (back then i would stare at people a lot without realizing it) who was working at this place. As he was working, however, he suddenly looked up and noticed the 11-year-old me staring at him. Upon making eye contact i quickly lowered my head and counted to ten. i then slowly looked back up at this man.

When i looked up, he was making the most--no offense--retarded, goofy, creepy face--so much so that i remember thinking ''this guy is actually mentally challenged!''. He was still looking right at me. I was so ashamed and embarrassed that i looked away immediately.

I have given this experience much thought, and I came to a conclusion a few years later. This guy was NOT mentally challenged. He was a normal dude. He just saw me starting and made the most frightening face he could muster.

and to this day, I find myself doing the same exact thing to kids that stare at me.

live music

There's a certain dynamic that's present in live music. Seeing a band live, to me, is what really determines how talented a band truly is.

Last night we saw Coldplay at the DTE. It was phenomenal. The bands that opened for them were quite good as well: Howling Bells and Pete Yorn--though i must say i was not familiar with either.

Howling Bells put on a great show, i thought. Their dynamics were great, they had a uniqueness and a groove to their songs, and their presence was pretty good. And they were from australia. But, this morning when i checked out some of their stuff on itunes, i found the music to be lacking.... something. This totally dissuaded me from actually buying anything, keeping me on this side of the buying line. There was just an element in their set last night that made it so good, and if all of their music sounded like it did last night i would TOTALLY buy it, but for some reason the actual album just doesnt have what they produce playing live...

I think this is why people buy merch at live shows so much. There's a certain satisfaction that comes from hearing the music in the now, as it is being created, and it hits something in people. Live performance, in my opinion, will make or break a good band: bands that otherwise may not have an outstanding album, like Howling Bells (which you should all check out anyway--i only didnt buy any stuff because they set the bar high right off the bat), will sound really great live, and bands that have really good albums will absolutely suck in concert (Billy Talent, blink-182 [an anomaly, really: though they suck live musically, i have yet to meet someone that didnt thoroughly enjoy themselves at a blink show]). *edit* ideally, bands will have awesome albums and be even better live, much like Thrice, or this band.

in conclusion,

I enjoy following studio blogs for bands like this

Also, the two newest albums i am processing are Underoath's Lost in the Sound of Seperation, and as of this morning, i purchased the rest of Sigur Rós' newest, Med sud i eyrum vid spilum endalaust

hope

There would be absolutely no hope for my life if it wasn't for the Cross. It's quite comforting, actually.

*gasp*

Last night during the storm lightning hit really close to my house, surging my room waking me up with a confused gasp. so cool.

oops

went to class today (taking summer classes at OCC so i can become a teacher more quickly) via 3.5 mile trek on my dad's old awesome schwinn

sat through 3 hours of class thinking ''this all seems very familiar... but there's no way i've had this!

rode back home a little bit slower because of the buttox hurtage from the first time

checked to make sure that i havent had this class before

oops. i just took this last semester.

nvm, prof.

luckily there was an online one still open that worked for me, so i pulled a switcheroo and rejoiced at having an extra 6 hours of pantlessness.

jam star

I've been pondering about creative things lately, and there is one thing that I would like to re-affirm: corporate creativity is great. Creative clustering is something that i really like, and still wish i was part of in a bigger scope. example.

I have always enjoyed writing. I would like to start/join some sort of group, like the Inklings. we could meet on tuesday nights at some pub and smoke pipes and read our work to each other and give each other pointers.

I also really enjoy being able to just play music with someone. When you're alone its great too, but when you and somebody are just trackin' on some groove together, magic happens: harmonies break out, riffs are conceived, emotion audibly produced, its just great. I have always loved having a musical friends, but now more than ever i really just want to find someone that is more than a friend.... more like a ... buddy? yea, that sounds right.

i think with all creativity though comes quite a bit of discipline. I recently purchased a book called "Writing Science Fiction and Fantasy" by Orson Scott Card (phenomenal writer--both as a fiction writer and as a teacher) and read it in about a week. I really feel like writing is a major aspect of my creativity, yet there is something that has kept me back from going public with most of my ideas/work. One of the things that Card mentioned was that discipline isnt something that you just decide to go get, but its something that comes from within you. it's already there, you just need to tap into that. (strangely, this also ties into the Gospel in several allegorical senses....MDCCers can totes agree with that.)

So applying this to a larger area of my life, i realize that what i have now, in my head, in my notebook, saved on my computer in a .band file, its not always going to be what im creating and thinking of tomorrow. tomorrow i will move on to something else. So forming those ideas, allowing them to shape however they may, and embracing them now, thats what fulfills these creative urges that i feel.

so i spent about an hour or two today really just writing. why wait? came up with a few pages of stuff. thats a pretty sizable chunk. I have the whole summer to do this kind of stuff. its really great.

on a related note, for all of you that arent aware, i caught a sneak-peak of my brother's band's new cd... QUITE good. i was, with all honesty, not expecting much, because theyre just a local band, but this music literally blew me out of the water. its really good. thats all i can say about it though.

and completely unrelated: i kinda hope i get a job working outside this summer.

what a rant.