yea, everything is going to be just fine.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
The New Car
So. I got a new car.
Someone gave it to me.
Someone I don't even know.
And they gave it to me for $0.
The car is actually nicer than my parents car.
Thank you JESUS.
The story is this.
Mike Kimball's cousin was driving a car her parents had given her years ago. She got married last year, and they just recently bought her a new car... as well as a new one for themselves. Her father (Mike's uncle) decided he didn't really feel like selling it or donating it, so he decided to give it to someone. None of Mike's brothers needed it, which is CRAZY, because they have about a bajillion kids and 8 different reasons for needing a car each second. But none of them needed it, so Mike thought of me and gave me a call.
That's not all, though. someone from church (still have no idea who it is) has been leaving $10 in the offering basket just about every week since last september. So, I actually already have quite a chunk of money set aside for insurance and gas already. I don't need to pay a cent.
Being that this car came to me for free, all of my money i was originally saving for a car is now going towards school, which takes out 1/3 of the tuition money i still owe from last year.
God is so good!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Thanks, Bob
The guilty undertaker sighs,
The lonesome organ grinder cries,
The silver saxophones say I should refuse you.
The cracked bells and washed-out horns
Blow into my face with scorn,
But it's not that way,
I wasn't born to lose you.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.
The drunken politician leaps
Upon the street where mothers weep
And the saviors who are fast asleep,
They wait for you.
And I wait for them to interrupt
Me drinkin' from my broken cup
And ask me to
Open up the gate for you.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.
Now all my fathers, they've gone down
True love they've been without it.
But all their daughters put me down
'Cause I don't think about it.
Well, I return to the Queen of Spades
And talk with my chambermaid.
She knows that I'm not afraid
To look at her.
She is good to me
And there's nothing she doesn't see.
She knows where I'd like to be
But it doesn't matter.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.
Now your dancing child with his Chinese suit,
He spoke to me, I took his flute.
No, I wasn't very cute to him,
Was I?
But I did it, though, because he lied
Because he took you for a ride
And because time was on his side
And because I . . .
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Finding Life
I'll be honest: I've had a really tough past few weeks. Lots of different things going on, lots of things to get all stressed out and emotional over.
As many of you know, I've been going to Wayne State University in the beautiful city of Detroit. About a month ago, I had applied for a Federal Direct Subsidized Loan to pay for my previous semester in the spring. Up until last week, it had not gone through, so i decided to go down and ask them if there was anything else i needed to do.
I come to find out that the loan i had applied for had expired--since i hadn't applied for it during the actual semester, and since i didn't take summer classes at WSU, it hadn't been renewed and, in fact, expired, so i couldn't use it to pay for my school.
The first thought that runs through my brain is: "This sucks." Basically, I can't register for class because i still have tuition from last year. I'm really scared and hesitant to take out a private loan, because of the horror stories I've heard and seen. So after praying about it for a few days (because classes start in a week and a half), i come to 2 conclusions. Either the Lord is going to give me the money (somehow), or I'm going to take the semester off.
Now, at this point, the only reason I'm going to take out a loan is if the Lord tells me to... otherwise I'm not going to put myself into debt. At this point, it seems like I'm going to have to take the semester off and work to pay off my tuition and resume school in January.
If any of you know me at all, then you know that initially this is not my first choice. To be honest, I really don't mind school. I was actually really looking forward to it this year. I really want to be done, but simply for the fact that I want to start teaching right now. It's exciting to think about, but when something like this happens, and it seems like I'm going to have to wait another semester to even get started (its going to be 2 years at least before I'm done), I get really frustrated and upset.
I hear all these thoughts--they're actually threats, when I think about it-- "Now what do I do? I thought this was what God wanted... but why is this happening?" "Dang it! Now I am going to have to wait even longer in order to start dealing with kids!" "Crap! I thought this was my destiny!"
All these thoughts of uncertainty, fear, frustration, confusion, panic, and anger come rushing through. The thoughts--threats--themselves can be quite scary.
I can even to back and begin to think about the mistakes I've made--which ultimately results in self-punishment and self-hatred: "If I had only applied for the loan when I had the chance instead of putting it off..." or "If i had only worked more hours during the school year so I would have had the money to pay it off..." or, going back even further, "If i hadn't screwed around in High School, i would have gotten a scholarship somewhere and wouldn't even have this problem..."
You can feel the kind of atmosphere that those thoughts bring. Combined with all of the emotions and threats mentioned above, it creates this really gross atmosphere of death--it not only affects me; it affects the people i relate to.
There ends up being this overlaying 'sound' in all of this--this threatening, scary, earthy sound of death. Failure. Panic. As all of those things and those thoughts and threats are entertained, the atmosphere of death seems to become more and more like reality.
But there's another sound that begins to break through all of this--the message. The sound of the gospel.
Here's the truth. I'm already dead. Zach Fifelski was co-crucified with Christ on the cross. All of these sounds of death are targeting some notion that, somehow, I have control over my life, that my 'destiny', if i can use that word, is something that I need to reach through my own efforts, and that these occurances and circumstances in my life are obstacles for me to go around and overcome.
But I'm already dead.
I don't have any control. I'm not my own.
I'm dead to all those threats. Kind of a gross illustration, but if you were to poke some dead animal on the side of the road, it wouldn't get irritated and flustered with you. It wouldn't look at you and tell you to stop, partly because animals don't talk, but more for the reason that it's already dead. It is unresponsive. Even if you did things to it that would normally kill it, like cut off it's head, or throw it in some water, it wouldn't die more, because it's already dead.
This sound begins to break through the atmosphere. This truth, this gospel of Jesus Christ. I died with him.
When Jesus encountered Herod and Pilot, they were not obstacles that he had to get over. Yes, from an earthy point of view, they were threats--threats to Jesus' destiny. But in reality--reality being the supernatural, heavenly truth--they were tools. They were actually used to bring Jesus into glory on the cross. Sure, they might not have thought so... they might have even thought that they were doing something independantly and out of their own will. But they weren't. When the perspective changes from these men being obstacles to these men being tools, everything shifts.
I can view this financial situation in the same way. These challenges I'm encountering aren't obstacles, but tools. Yes, I have made mistakes, but there's no mistakes in Christ. He used those mistakes and circumstances to bring me where I am right now. Even the whole notion of me being unable to fulfill my 'destiny' as a person who loves to interact and minister to kids is silly... as if the only medium in which I can do that was by having a BA in Education from Wayne State.
I'm already doing all of that. I'm one of the youth leaders at MDCC. I counsel at a Bible Camp.
So what does this upcoming year have in store for me? Who knows! There is a truth, however, that breaks through all of the earthly panic and fear that is just kind of floating around. This truth is that i have a loving Father. He didn't just place me here and go ''Ok, son. Give me a ring when you graduate, and we'll talk then about serving me. Hopefully you don't screw up, because I'm going to go over here for a few years." He is with me, every step. Even the mistakes I make and kick myself over are justified in the cross. I don't have my own plan, I don't have control.
Believe it or not, this is something that has been coming full circle in my life. Like i said, I've had a really tough past few weeks. Several different things going on, and it all comes back to this truth of me being dead.
So what do I do? I praise God for what he has done, and for what he is doing. I find life in this place of death. It's not just some words that I'm saying to manipulate myself. They're not cheerful mindsets to try to work myself into. This is the truth. This is the gospel. This is really the place that I find life. Praise Jesus.
As many of you know, I've been going to Wayne State University in the beautiful city of Detroit. About a month ago, I had applied for a Federal Direct Subsidized Loan to pay for my previous semester in the spring. Up until last week, it had not gone through, so i decided to go down and ask them if there was anything else i needed to do.
I come to find out that the loan i had applied for had expired--since i hadn't applied for it during the actual semester, and since i didn't take summer classes at WSU, it hadn't been renewed and, in fact, expired, so i couldn't use it to pay for my school.
The first thought that runs through my brain is: "This sucks." Basically, I can't register for class because i still have tuition from last year. I'm really scared and hesitant to take out a private loan, because of the horror stories I've heard and seen. So after praying about it for a few days (because classes start in a week and a half), i come to 2 conclusions. Either the Lord is going to give me the money (somehow), or I'm going to take the semester off.
Now, at this point, the only reason I'm going to take out a loan is if the Lord tells me to... otherwise I'm not going to put myself into debt. At this point, it seems like I'm going to have to take the semester off and work to pay off my tuition and resume school in January.
If any of you know me at all, then you know that initially this is not my first choice. To be honest, I really don't mind school. I was actually really looking forward to it this year. I really want to be done, but simply for the fact that I want to start teaching right now. It's exciting to think about, but when something like this happens, and it seems like I'm going to have to wait another semester to even get started (its going to be 2 years at least before I'm done), I get really frustrated and upset.
I hear all these thoughts--they're actually threats, when I think about it-- "Now what do I do? I thought this was what God wanted... but why is this happening?" "Dang it! Now I am going to have to wait even longer in order to start dealing with kids!" "Crap! I thought this was my destiny!"
All these thoughts of uncertainty, fear, frustration, confusion, panic, and anger come rushing through. The thoughts--threats--themselves can be quite scary.
I can even to back and begin to think about the mistakes I've made--which ultimately results in self-punishment and self-hatred: "If I had only applied for the loan when I had the chance instead of putting it off..." or "If i had only worked more hours during the school year so I would have had the money to pay it off..." or, going back even further, "If i hadn't screwed around in High School, i would have gotten a scholarship somewhere and wouldn't even have this problem..."
You can feel the kind of atmosphere that those thoughts bring. Combined with all of the emotions and threats mentioned above, it creates this really gross atmosphere of death--it not only affects me; it affects the people i relate to.
There ends up being this overlaying 'sound' in all of this--this threatening, scary, earthy sound of death. Failure. Panic. As all of those things and those thoughts and threats are entertained, the atmosphere of death seems to become more and more like reality.
But there's another sound that begins to break through all of this--the message. The sound of the gospel.
Here's the truth. I'm already dead. Zach Fifelski was co-crucified with Christ on the cross. All of these sounds of death are targeting some notion that, somehow, I have control over my life, that my 'destiny', if i can use that word, is something that I need to reach through my own efforts, and that these occurances and circumstances in my life are obstacles for me to go around and overcome.
But I'm already dead.
I don't have any control. I'm not my own.
I'm dead to all those threats. Kind of a gross illustration, but if you were to poke some dead animal on the side of the road, it wouldn't get irritated and flustered with you. It wouldn't look at you and tell you to stop, partly because animals don't talk, but more for the reason that it's already dead. It is unresponsive. Even if you did things to it that would normally kill it, like cut off it's head, or throw it in some water, it wouldn't die more, because it's already dead.
This sound begins to break through the atmosphere. This truth, this gospel of Jesus Christ. I died with him.
When Jesus encountered Herod and Pilot, they were not obstacles that he had to get over. Yes, from an earthy point of view, they were threats--threats to Jesus' destiny. But in reality--reality being the supernatural, heavenly truth--they were tools. They were actually used to bring Jesus into glory on the cross. Sure, they might not have thought so... they might have even thought that they were doing something independantly and out of their own will. But they weren't. When the perspective changes from these men being obstacles to these men being tools, everything shifts.
I can view this financial situation in the same way. These challenges I'm encountering aren't obstacles, but tools. Yes, I have made mistakes, but there's no mistakes in Christ. He used those mistakes and circumstances to bring me where I am right now. Even the whole notion of me being unable to fulfill my 'destiny' as a person who loves to interact and minister to kids is silly... as if the only medium in which I can do that was by having a BA in Education from Wayne State.
I'm already doing all of that. I'm one of the youth leaders at MDCC. I counsel at a Bible Camp.
So what does this upcoming year have in store for me? Who knows! There is a truth, however, that breaks through all of the earthly panic and fear that is just kind of floating around. This truth is that i have a loving Father. He didn't just place me here and go ''Ok, son. Give me a ring when you graduate, and we'll talk then about serving me. Hopefully you don't screw up, because I'm going to go over here for a few years." He is with me, every step. Even the mistakes I make and kick myself over are justified in the cross. I don't have my own plan, I don't have control.
Believe it or not, this is something that has been coming full circle in my life. Like i said, I've had a really tough past few weeks. Several different things going on, and it all comes back to this truth of me being dead.
So what do I do? I praise God for what he has done, and for what he is doing. I find life in this place of death. It's not just some words that I'm saying to manipulate myself. They're not cheerful mindsets to try to work myself into. This is the truth. This is the gospel. This is really the place that I find life. Praise Jesus.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
A soft heart
I always find myself having an almost uncomfortably soft heart, especially on the last day of camp. Lots of friendships that, at the beginning of the week, were non-existent; emotional tiredness; and an intimacy that comes from looking back on a week full of God's presence.
This week 2 of the guys in my cabin accepted the Lord into their hearts. It was actually a huge surprise.. I had expected to be the one to 'lead them' into their salvation. There can almost be this pressure when you're a counselor that, if you don't do it right, then the kids won't experience Jesus, that they won't get saved, that they will miss out on the blessing....
False.
These guys didn't need me. Jesus didn't need me. Their salvation came from him, not from me. It was such a blessing for them to then share with me about their decision, and to feel the love and affection they had for me as their counselor, but it was such a relief to see Jesus wrapping his arms around these kids without any need for my assistance.
My cabin was great. Real joy and laughter occured every day... by the end of the week there was a real unity present that wasn't there in the other cabins. They made each other laugh, they made me laugh: it was just a good time. Oscar, Ainsley, Matt, Tony, Carson, Tyler, Carl, and Ray. What awesome guys.
Soft heart syndrome comes from a week of laboring. It truly is labor... maybe 6 hours of sleep a night, a full day of throwing your entire body--and emotions--into your cabin and into your team. I think lots of camp relationships occur because that's when people are most intimate--they are completely going crazy and passionate and they are seeing an extreme version of themselves and each other. I almost cried today hugging my co-counselor, David... it was his first week counseling, and he was such a support this whole week and it was a huge blessing working with him... I started to choke up and gave him a big pat on the back.
It was also a blessing to have such support from above.The directors continually encouraged me and blessed me with their leadership. Those guys do a great job.
What a week. There's rumors of going to see the new Harry Potter... but im so tired. Then again, i leave to go on vacation on lake michigan tomorrow... so i can still have 24 hours of exhaustion before i leave. Oh well.
Pray for Tyler and Carson. Those are the two guys that became christians this week--they truly are two awesome guys, and I really want their faith to continue to grow like it has this whole week.
This week 2 of the guys in my cabin accepted the Lord into their hearts. It was actually a huge surprise.. I had expected to be the one to 'lead them' into their salvation. There can almost be this pressure when you're a counselor that, if you don't do it right, then the kids won't experience Jesus, that they won't get saved, that they will miss out on the blessing....
False.
These guys didn't need me. Jesus didn't need me. Their salvation came from him, not from me. It was such a blessing for them to then share with me about their decision, and to feel the love and affection they had for me as their counselor, but it was such a relief to see Jesus wrapping his arms around these kids without any need for my assistance.
My cabin was great. Real joy and laughter occured every day... by the end of the week there was a real unity present that wasn't there in the other cabins. They made each other laugh, they made me laugh: it was just a good time. Oscar, Ainsley, Matt, Tony, Carson, Tyler, Carl, and Ray. What awesome guys.
Soft heart syndrome comes from a week of laboring. It truly is labor... maybe 6 hours of sleep a night, a full day of throwing your entire body--and emotions--into your cabin and into your team. I think lots of camp relationships occur because that's when people are most intimate--they are completely going crazy and passionate and they are seeing an extreme version of themselves and each other. I almost cried today hugging my co-counselor, David... it was his first week counseling, and he was such a support this whole week and it was a huge blessing working with him... I started to choke up and gave him a big pat on the back.
It was also a blessing to have such support from above.The directors continually encouraged me and blessed me with their leadership. Those guys do a great job.
What a week. There's rumors of going to see the new Harry Potter... but im so tired. Then again, i leave to go on vacation on lake michigan tomorrow... so i can still have 24 hours of exhaustion before i leave. Oh well.
Pray for Tyler and Carson. Those are the two guys that became christians this week--they truly are two awesome guys, and I really want their faith to continue to grow like it has this whole week.
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