Finding Life

I'll be honest: I've had a really tough past few weeks. Lots of different things going on, lots of things to get all stressed out and emotional over.

As many of you know, I've been going to Wayne State University in the beautiful city of Detroit. About a month ago, I had applied for a Federal Direct Subsidized Loan to pay for my previous semester in the spring. Up until last week, it had not gone through, so i decided to go down and ask them if there was anything else i needed to do.

I come to find out that the loan i had applied for had expired--since i hadn't applied for it during the actual semester, and since i didn't take summer classes at WSU, it hadn't been renewed and, in fact, expired, so i couldn't use it to pay for my school.

The first thought that runs through my brain is: "This sucks." Basically, I can't register for class because i still have tuition from last year. I'm really scared and hesitant to take out a private loan, because of the horror stories I've heard and seen. So after praying about it for a few days (because classes start in a week and a half), i come to 2 conclusions. Either the Lord is going to give me the money (somehow), or I'm going to take the semester off.

Now, at this point, the only reason I'm going to take out a loan is if the Lord tells me to... otherwise I'm not going to put myself into debt. At this point, it seems like I'm going to have to take the semester off and work to pay off my tuition and resume school in January.

If any of you know me at all, then you know that initially this is not my first choice. To be honest, I really don't mind school. I was actually really looking forward to it this year. I really want to be done, but simply for the fact that I want to start teaching right now. It's exciting to think about, but when something like this happens, and it seems like I'm going to have to wait another semester to even get started (its going to be 2 years at least before I'm done), I get really frustrated and upset.

I hear all these thoughts--they're actually threats, when I think about it-- "Now what do I do? I thought this was what God wanted... but why is this happening?" "Dang it! Now I am going to have to wait even longer in order to start dealing with kids!" "Crap! I thought this was my destiny!"

All these thoughts of uncertainty, fear, frustration, confusion, panic, and anger come rushing through. The thoughts--threats--themselves can be quite scary.

I can even to back and begin to think about the mistakes I've made--which ultimately results in self-punishment and self-hatred: "If I had only applied for the loan when I had the chance instead of putting it off..." or "If i had only worked more hours during the school year so I would have had the money to pay it off..." or, going back even further, "If i hadn't screwed around in High School, i would have gotten a scholarship somewhere and wouldn't even have this problem..."

You can feel the kind of atmosphere that those thoughts bring. Combined with all of the emotions and threats mentioned above, it creates this really gross atmosphere of death--it not only affects me; it affects the people i relate to.

There ends up being this overlaying 'sound' in all of this--this threatening, scary, earthy sound of death. Failure. Panic. As all of those things and those thoughts and threats are entertained, the atmosphere of death seems to become more and more like reality.

But there's another sound that begins to break through all of this--the message. The sound of the gospel.

Here's the truth. I'm already dead. Zach Fifelski was co-crucified with Christ on the cross. All of these sounds of death are targeting some notion that, somehow, I have control over my life, that my 'destiny', if i can use that word, is something that I need to reach through my own efforts, and that these occurances and circumstances in my life are obstacles for me to go around and overcome.

But I'm already dead.

I don't have any control. I'm not my own.

I'm dead to all those threats. Kind of a gross illustration, but if you were to poke some dead animal on the side of the road, it wouldn't get irritated and flustered with you. It wouldn't look at you and tell you to stop, partly because animals don't talk, but more for the reason that it's already dead. It is unresponsive. Even if you did things to it that would normally kill it, like cut off it's head, or throw it in some water, it wouldn't die more, because it's already dead.

This sound begins to break through the atmosphere. This truth, this gospel of Jesus Christ. I died with him.

When Jesus encountered Herod and Pilot, they were not obstacles that he had to get over. Yes, from an earthy point of view, they were threats--threats to Jesus' destiny. But in reality--reality being the supernatural, heavenly truth--they were tools. They were actually used to bring Jesus into glory on the cross. Sure, they might not have thought so... they might have even thought that they were doing something independantly and out of their own will. But they weren't. When the perspective changes from these men being obstacles to these men being tools, everything shifts.

I can view this financial situation in the same way. These challenges I'm encountering aren't obstacles, but tools. Yes, I have made mistakes, but there's no mistakes in Christ. He used those mistakes and circumstances to bring me where I am right now. Even the whole notion of me being unable to fulfill my 'destiny' as a person who loves to interact and minister to kids is silly... as if the only medium in which I can do that was by having a BA in Education from Wayne State.
I'm already doing all of that. I'm one of the youth leaders at MDCC. I counsel at a Bible Camp.

So what does this upcoming year have in store for me? Who knows! There is a truth, however, that breaks through all of the earthly panic and fear that is just kind of floating around. This truth is that i have a loving Father. He didn't just place me here and go ''Ok, son. Give me a ring when you graduate, and we'll talk then about serving me. Hopefully you don't screw up, because I'm going to go over here for a few years." He is with me, every step. Even the mistakes I make and kick myself over are justified in the cross. I don't have my own plan, I don't have control.

Believe it or not, this is something that has been coming full circle in my life. Like i said, I've had a really tough past few weeks. Several different things going on, and it all comes back to this truth of me being dead.

So what do I do? I praise God for what he has done, and for what he is doing. I find life in this place of death. It's not just some words that I'm saying to manipulate myself. They're not cheerful mindsets to try to work myself into. This is the truth. This is the gospel. This is really the place that I find life. Praise Jesus.

listening--really listening--more than ever.