Upholding, Maintaining, Guiding, and Propelling

I had to take this semester off of school for financial reasons--basically, I had to come up with $3600 before I was allowed to take any more classes. And as of last week, that tuition was paid off (Yes!!). I was (and still am) REALLY excited to go back to school... I really ENJOY school, and was very eager to register and get started again in January.

I spent this weekend moving classes around, getting excited for class, registering, getting excited, scheduling, getting excited, and etc. And one of the first things that actually hits me monday morning is seeing how much all this is going to cost. Right when I see that big fat number, I immediately get into this anxious mode: "How am I going to pay for tuition", "Why do I have to take these classes", "What am I going to do?", etc. I was bummed! Even after that, I begin to encounter all sorts of dynamics that seem to be going against this genuine excitement for my education.

I had an assignment this week to look at Hebrews 1:1-3, spend some time focusing on it, and then look at different areas of my life through the 'lens' of that specific scripture. The 'Big 3' I have at the time are my Education, my relationships, and my 'personal growth'--for lack of a better term. Initially, I was somewhat hesitant--I normally don't spend a large portion of time dedicated to such a concentrated portion of scripture.. but, in submission, i persevered. Here's the reference:

"In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, (3)but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. (3)The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven." Hebrews 1:1-3, NIV

So what? Sweet. Jesus. Glory. King. Yes yes yes. But where does this impact where I am now? "Now God, I've sure got a lot of ISSUES, so you need to tell me HOW THIS APPLIES."

Ok. Sure! The Holy Spirit began speaking to me almost immediately--initially in this area of school. I actually wrote down this passage from the NIV before i actually 'got started'.

"...through whom he made the universe..."

Through Christ, Wayne State University exists and is still functioning today. Through Christ Wayne State University was made, and Christ is the heir to Wayne State University. He has "made, produced, built, operated, and arranged" WSU to be what it is right now.

This slightly changes my attitude when I hand Wayne a check for a couple of G's. My money isn't going into the pocket of some Dean or professor--Well, yeah, it is--but the person that is actually operating Wayne State is Christ. I'm actually giving my money to Christ in the act of paying my tuition.

When I see if like this, it is much more comforting than just thinking I'm giving money to the man. It changes what I can expect by me investing in this education experience.

The Universe--which just happens to include my education, my relationships, and my 'personal growth', is not, contrary to popular belief, upheld by my "mighty word of power." My education, my relationships, and my 'personal growth' is actually upheld by Christ's mighty word of power. What a relief!

'Sustaining' is the word used in the NIV, but in the amplified, it says something different: "He is [...] upholding and maintaining and guiding and propelling the universe by His mighty word of power." Sweet! What does this actually mean?

Praise Jesus for Webster!

Uphold: To support or defend (from criticism)
Maintain: To keep in existence or continuance; to affirm; to hold against attack; to keep in a specified state or position.
Guide: to direct the movement or course of.
Propel: to drive forward or onward.

This is powerful. This totally makes a difference in how I view my current position at Wayne State, or my current state of singleness, or my current spiritual/emotional state. Jesus Christ's mighty word of power is upholding, maintaining, guiding, and propelling ZACH FIFELSKI.

It continues to amaze me how much of the gospel isn't about me. This whole U-M-G-P thing isn't something I'm doing. It's not even something I can say "Ok, God! I'm going to LET you do this thing now!" It is HIS mighty word that is UMGPing it up--holding my college journey together, holding my relationships together, holding my life together.

This isn't just a preachy, feel good, change-your-mindset belief system. This is the Message of truth--this is the Gospel.

It's just the truth.

40 days of...

There's a lot of '40 days' stuff going around I feel... '40 days of blogging'... '40 days of writing a song every day'... '40 days of fasting'....

Honestly, it seems kind of attractive. I start to think 'Hmm, what's something that I can do for 40 days that will be awesome and challenge me?'

I don't rightly know. I've honestly played with little ideas of cool creative things here and there, but never really followed through with anything... i mean, when it comes down to it, i have big ideas, but i think too much, and they get too big in my brain, and i get to a point where i say this is too much and i back off.

One step at a time. I'm in the process of completing a project that is long overdue--you'll hear more about this as it gets closer to the new year--after there, who knows. Maybe i finally will pull the next 'project' off the self for the world to see.

Bobby

One of our 'usuals' came into panera today--Bobby. Coolest looking guy ever. He's a biker grandpa--totally sports the leather and the gigantic long beard, and still manages to look like the gentlest dude you have ever met (he actually calls me dude). He's been coming in for the past couple of years. I've talked to about bikes and Macs and all sorts of awesome things that he's into.

A year or two ago--back when the MDCC Tribe was still meeting up--the Lord put Bobby on my heart. I found out that his wife had been diagnosed with cancer, and I remember at one of the meetings the Lord showed me a picture that i believed he wanted me to share with Bobby. I dont think i ever did, but i definitely remember Bobby being one of hte first customers at Panera that i openly told that I was going to pray for. I found out Bobby is actually a christian--totally awesome. He came in every now and then, I would ask him how his wife was doing and he would give me updates and i would continue to pray for him. As time went on, he would come in less and less.

Today he came in, and i havent seen him in a while... I think I saw him at Leos in royal oak one time... but it had definitely been a few months... He saw me and smiled and waved and we started catching up...

...and i found out his wife died a couple months ago. He just came right out and said it. "I'm not doing too good, man." He was on the verge of tears. Apparantly, she had gotten HEALED of cancer--Bobby testified to that--and she had gone into the hospital for something else, and had been overdosed on morphine. This is where i go ????

The absolute pain that this man was in was heartbreaking. I went to the side with him and he was just talking... I didnt even know what to say. He has got to be at least 70 and he is just pouring his heart out to me right in the middle of panera bread.

I really didnt have any grid for what he was going through, and I told him that. All i could say was that God is still good... that God was in control... and I did not understand the situation at all... but that Jesus was much bigger.. and in Christ there was peace.

At the same time... i DONT know what to say. This is the point when I really go "Do I really believe what I'm saying?" I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this kind of heartbreak that Bobby is going through. But the Gospel is TRUTH. I do not understand why Bobby's wife died...but the Gospel is Truth.

idk.

i've been on this issue of death for a couple of weeks. idk why. its really challenging me, and by that I mean i am challenged. I am struggling for the "right words" or whatever or the "right mindset" in this place. All i have is Jesus, and thats all i can give to people.

i really really love my job at the 'field zone.

bip! bap! bam!

there's totally something different and great about making friends via xbox live.

theres just some magic that happens when you play a few games with some random guys you dont even know, like making up songs, talking like arnold schwarzenager (sp?), and just talking about hilariously funny things.

i dont even know any of these guys real names.

I just play halo with them.

its so totally strange, but its totally awesome at the same time.

Competitive

I find that I am quite competitive, but in a specific way.

I really enjoy games in which there is actually a means for me actually win, whether by strategy or skill--usually both. This is why i enjoy games such as Settlers of Catan, Halo, pool (very recently), etc. In each one of these games there are certain rules and guidelines that must be followed, but there is also a strategy to win in each one of these. If there is not a feasible way in which to win, or I have a small chance in winning, or it isnt based on skill, i really don't like it.

And that is why i HATE the game Apples to Apples SO MUCH.

Keane etc.

Yea, so every once in a while i stumble upon an album that i really really like, and currently this album is Keane's Under the Iron Sea... honestly I had never given Keane a real listening chance before this, so this album was a completely new experience for me... I've got to say it's definitely one of my favorites.

The song "Atlantic" just gives me chills, man. Brilliant.

Everything...

...is going to be all right,

yea, everything is going to be just fine.

The New Car

So. I got a new car.

Someone gave it to me.

Someone I don't even know.

And they gave it to me for $0.

The car is actually nicer than my parents car.

Thank you JESUS.

The story is this.

Mike Kimball's cousin was driving a car her parents had given her years ago. She got married last year, and they just recently bought her a new car... as well as a new one for themselves. Her father (Mike's uncle) decided he didn't really feel like selling it or donating it, so he decided to give it to someone. None of Mike's brothers needed it, which is CRAZY, because they have about a bajillion kids and 8 different reasons for needing a car each second. But none of them needed it, so Mike thought of me and gave me a call.

That's not all, though. someone from church (still have no idea who it is) has been leaving $10 in the offering basket just about every week since last september. So, I actually already have quite a chunk of money set aside for insurance and gas already. I don't need to pay a cent.

Being that this car came to me for free, all of my money i was originally saving for a car is now going towards school, which takes out 1/3 of the tuition money i still owe from last year. 

God is so good!

Thanks, Bob

The guilty undertaker sighs,
The lonesome organ grinder cries,
The silver saxophones say I should refuse you.
The cracked bells and washed-out horns
Blow into my face with scorn,
But it's not that way,
I wasn't born to lose you.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.

The drunken politician leaps
Upon the street where mothers weep
And the saviors who are fast asleep,
They wait for you.
And I wait for them to interrupt
Me drinkin' from my broken cup
And ask me to
Open up the gate for you.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.

Now all my fathers, they've gone down
True love they've been without it.
But all their daughters put me down
'Cause I don't think about it.

Well, I return to the Queen of Spades
And talk with my chambermaid.
She knows that I'm not afraid
To look at her.
She is good to me
And there's nothing she doesn't see.
She knows where I'd like to be
But it doesn't matter.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.

Now your dancing child with his Chinese suit,
He spoke to me, I took his flute.
No, I wasn't very cute to him,
Was I?
But I did it, though, because he lied
Because he took you for a ride
And because time was on his side
And because I . . .
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.

Finding Life

I'll be honest: I've had a really tough past few weeks. Lots of different things going on, lots of things to get all stressed out and emotional over.

As many of you know, I've been going to Wayne State University in the beautiful city of Detroit. About a month ago, I had applied for a Federal Direct Subsidized Loan to pay for my previous semester in the spring. Up until last week, it had not gone through, so i decided to go down and ask them if there was anything else i needed to do.

I come to find out that the loan i had applied for had expired--since i hadn't applied for it during the actual semester, and since i didn't take summer classes at WSU, it hadn't been renewed and, in fact, expired, so i couldn't use it to pay for my school.

The first thought that runs through my brain is: "This sucks." Basically, I can't register for class because i still have tuition from last year. I'm really scared and hesitant to take out a private loan, because of the horror stories I've heard and seen. So after praying about it for a few days (because classes start in a week and a half), i come to 2 conclusions. Either the Lord is going to give me the money (somehow), or I'm going to take the semester off.

Now, at this point, the only reason I'm going to take out a loan is if the Lord tells me to... otherwise I'm not going to put myself into debt. At this point, it seems like I'm going to have to take the semester off and work to pay off my tuition and resume school in January.

If any of you know me at all, then you know that initially this is not my first choice. To be honest, I really don't mind school. I was actually really looking forward to it this year. I really want to be done, but simply for the fact that I want to start teaching right now. It's exciting to think about, but when something like this happens, and it seems like I'm going to have to wait another semester to even get started (its going to be 2 years at least before I'm done), I get really frustrated and upset.

I hear all these thoughts--they're actually threats, when I think about it-- "Now what do I do? I thought this was what God wanted... but why is this happening?" "Dang it! Now I am going to have to wait even longer in order to start dealing with kids!" "Crap! I thought this was my destiny!"

All these thoughts of uncertainty, fear, frustration, confusion, panic, and anger come rushing through. The thoughts--threats--themselves can be quite scary.

I can even to back and begin to think about the mistakes I've made--which ultimately results in self-punishment and self-hatred: "If I had only applied for the loan when I had the chance instead of putting it off..." or "If i had only worked more hours during the school year so I would have had the money to pay it off..." or, going back even further, "If i hadn't screwed around in High School, i would have gotten a scholarship somewhere and wouldn't even have this problem..."

You can feel the kind of atmosphere that those thoughts bring. Combined with all of the emotions and threats mentioned above, it creates this really gross atmosphere of death--it not only affects me; it affects the people i relate to.

There ends up being this overlaying 'sound' in all of this--this threatening, scary, earthy sound of death. Failure. Panic. As all of those things and those thoughts and threats are entertained, the atmosphere of death seems to become more and more like reality.

But there's another sound that begins to break through all of this--the message. The sound of the gospel.

Here's the truth. I'm already dead. Zach Fifelski was co-crucified with Christ on the cross. All of these sounds of death are targeting some notion that, somehow, I have control over my life, that my 'destiny', if i can use that word, is something that I need to reach through my own efforts, and that these occurances and circumstances in my life are obstacles for me to go around and overcome.

But I'm already dead.

I don't have any control. I'm not my own.

I'm dead to all those threats. Kind of a gross illustration, but if you were to poke some dead animal on the side of the road, it wouldn't get irritated and flustered with you. It wouldn't look at you and tell you to stop, partly because animals don't talk, but more for the reason that it's already dead. It is unresponsive. Even if you did things to it that would normally kill it, like cut off it's head, or throw it in some water, it wouldn't die more, because it's already dead.

This sound begins to break through the atmosphere. This truth, this gospel of Jesus Christ. I died with him.

When Jesus encountered Herod and Pilot, they were not obstacles that he had to get over. Yes, from an earthy point of view, they were threats--threats to Jesus' destiny. But in reality--reality being the supernatural, heavenly truth--they were tools. They were actually used to bring Jesus into glory on the cross. Sure, they might not have thought so... they might have even thought that they were doing something independantly and out of their own will. But they weren't. When the perspective changes from these men being obstacles to these men being tools, everything shifts.

I can view this financial situation in the same way. These challenges I'm encountering aren't obstacles, but tools. Yes, I have made mistakes, but there's no mistakes in Christ. He used those mistakes and circumstances to bring me where I am right now. Even the whole notion of me being unable to fulfill my 'destiny' as a person who loves to interact and minister to kids is silly... as if the only medium in which I can do that was by having a BA in Education from Wayne State.
I'm already doing all of that. I'm one of the youth leaders at MDCC. I counsel at a Bible Camp.

So what does this upcoming year have in store for me? Who knows! There is a truth, however, that breaks through all of the earthly panic and fear that is just kind of floating around. This truth is that i have a loving Father. He didn't just place me here and go ''Ok, son. Give me a ring when you graduate, and we'll talk then about serving me. Hopefully you don't screw up, because I'm going to go over here for a few years." He is with me, every step. Even the mistakes I make and kick myself over are justified in the cross. I don't have my own plan, I don't have control.

Believe it or not, this is something that has been coming full circle in my life. Like i said, I've had a really tough past few weeks. Several different things going on, and it all comes back to this truth of me being dead.

So what do I do? I praise God for what he has done, and for what he is doing. I find life in this place of death. It's not just some words that I'm saying to manipulate myself. They're not cheerful mindsets to try to work myself into. This is the truth. This is the gospel. This is really the place that I find life. Praise Jesus.

listening--really listening--more than ever.

I would see them live

Oh, for sure.

A soft heart

I always find myself having an almost uncomfortably soft heart, especially on the last day of camp. Lots of friendships that, at the beginning of the week, were non-existent; emotional tiredness; and an intimacy that comes from looking back on a week full of God's presence.

This week 2 of the guys in my cabin accepted the Lord into their hearts. It was actually a huge surprise.. I had expected to be the one to 'lead them' into their salvation. There can almost be this pressure when you're a counselor that, if you don't do it right, then the kids won't experience Jesus, that they won't get saved, that they will miss out on the blessing....

False.

These guys didn't need me. Jesus didn't need me. Their salvation came from him, not from me. It was such a blessing for them to then share with me about their decision, and to feel the love and affection they had for me as their counselor, but it was such a relief to see Jesus wrapping his arms around these kids without any need for my assistance.

My cabin was great. Real joy and laughter occured every day... by the end of the week there was a real unity present that wasn't there in the other cabins. They made each other laugh, they made me laugh: it was just a good time. Oscar, Ainsley, Matt, Tony, Carson, Tyler, Carl, and Ray. What awesome guys.

Soft heart syndrome comes from a week of laboring. It truly is labor... maybe 6 hours of sleep a night, a full day of throwing your entire body--and emotions--into your cabin and into your team. I think lots of camp relationships occur because that's when people are most intimate--they are completely going crazy and passionate and they are seeing an extreme version of themselves and each other. I almost cried today hugging my co-counselor, David... it was his first week counseling, and he was such a support this whole week and it was a huge blessing working with him... I started to choke up and gave him a big pat on the back.

It was also a blessing to have such support from above.The directors continually encouraged me and blessed me with their leadership. Those guys do a great job.

What a week. There's rumors of going to see the new Harry Potter... but im so tired. Then again, i leave to go on vacation on lake michigan tomorrow... so i can still have 24 hours of exhaustion before i leave. Oh well.

Pray for Tyler and Carson. Those are the two guys that became christians this week--they truly are two awesome guys, and I really want their faith to continue to grow like it has this whole week.

CAMP

I am at camp!

Send me mail!

Zach Fifelski
12500 Prang St.
Jones, MI 49061

Wilderness-man

When the people followed Jesus into the wild-er-ness in mark 8, what were they going on? I mean, Jesus did not say "If you do this, i'll feed you", or "You will see financial blessing!". He didn't even say "Don't worry, you won't die." He just went, and they followed.

It's crazy because, even though he did feed them after 3 days, they had nothing else to go on other than trusting that he knew what he was doing--that he knew where he was taking them. If they had died following him, it would have been to his glory. They went with the knowledge that, "Hey, wait. I could die doing this. But that's ok."


That is actually what Jesus expects. Our death is something that we need to be comfortable with. Jesus actually believes more in my death than I do (thanks Rflu), so when he does something absolutely crazy like lead me 3 days into the wilderness, he's not thinking "Man, I sure hope he can handle this, otherwise..." No way! He's operating out of the truth of me already being dead, so death isn't an issue.

So here I am. The wilderness. I will die if i go back now. I could die if I stay here. That's something that I'm slowly becomming ok with. All I really know is the guy that I'm following.

What are you doing?

Here's what I'm doing.

-Writing: (and recording) the next album, aiming to be done mid-september; a short-story (which is more of a 'study' of certain elements--character, setting, tone, etc--that I'm toying with in a larger project.)
-Reading: The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason; The Fires from Heaven by Robert Jordan; and a collection of Dostoyevsky stories, currently White Nights (love his characterization of a house in the beginning... writers back then were just good at that sort of thing.)
-Watching: Life on Mars (the BBC version. Seriously, folks, this show is pretty cool. The US version seemed like it was good, though it only lasted one season so they had to end it early, and thus had to change the ending. The BBC version is allegedly quite different, and it continues.)
-Listening: Not much, actually. I'm in this musical mode where i'm playing more than i'm listening, and when i'm listening it's to myself. It's a good season... doesn't happen much, so i'm letting it happen.
-Hearing: There is a new revelation of the Cross and of Christ to step into every day. Neat.

I leave friday or saturday for camp, then up north. these next 2 1/2 weeks will be good.

For the record...

...my life IS good. After looking at my latest 2 posts, i realize it can come off that it's not, but my life really is. I've got a great family, I've got great friends, and I've got a great Jesus. I think acknowledging the truth in my life is important because it reminds me of from where the cross brought me. My life, not even 4 years ago, was full of hopelessness and despair. It was tough, rough, and sad. And Jesus came and rescued me from that. So all of this totally un-fun stuff going on... it's not who I am... it does not define my life... my life is defined by the Christ! (Thank God!)

Warning: Serious personal blog ahead

Whatever is it that happens to make you so sure of something--to have total certainty that something is going in this direction--and then to have that hope be challenged?

The Lord challenged me massively on friday relating to a certain 'issue' that ive been dealing with for over a year--something that, until friday, i had been so certain about... the Lord's voice was stronger than it had ever been in my entire life--there was massive favor and encouragement present--and his presence in my life has been huge--not directly as a result of this issue, however, but i can see the intensity of my relationship has grown just by observing the progress of this issue.

And on friday, the Lord told me to let it go.

oh.
ok.

So what happens now?

I know that he isn't going to leave me now, I know that he knows what he's doing, but its still heartbreaking.

I have a natural inclination to find a purpose for everything going on--meaning to how and why i feel certain ways, why things work out the way they do, and why situations must be. This kind of situation im currently in, then, throws a big wrench in that whole rational line of thought.

Does there have to be a reason for everything? Do i have to understand why everything happened? No, of course not. His ways are higher than my ways. I don't get it 98% of the time. But that doesnt mean i dont want to understand whats going on, why things happened, where this leads.

It's all relatively tough to wrap my brain around, so i can imagine how chaotic all this sounds being its so vague.

There is a faith, there is a hope, there is a love. These aren't just nice concepts--they're real things. This is exactly the kind of situation that they are made for. In fact, this is the type of situation in which the Lord wants us to take hold of him--and thats exactly what I did on friday; its exactly what I'm doing now, at every moment.

That's all.

PS I deleted my facebook. I know its not permanent, but whew! Look how much time i have!

Recollections 1

I remember once when i was little my family went out to eat somewhere. I remember looking at this guy (back then i would stare at people a lot without realizing it) who was working at this place. As he was working, however, he suddenly looked up and noticed the 11-year-old me staring at him. Upon making eye contact i quickly lowered my head and counted to ten. i then slowly looked back up at this man.

When i looked up, he was making the most--no offense--retarded, goofy, creepy face--so much so that i remember thinking ''this guy is actually mentally challenged!''. He was still looking right at me. I was so ashamed and embarrassed that i looked away immediately.

I have given this experience much thought, and I came to a conclusion a few years later. This guy was NOT mentally challenged. He was a normal dude. He just saw me starting and made the most frightening face he could muster.

and to this day, I find myself doing the same exact thing to kids that stare at me.

live music

There's a certain dynamic that's present in live music. Seeing a band live, to me, is what really determines how talented a band truly is.

Last night we saw Coldplay at the DTE. It was phenomenal. The bands that opened for them were quite good as well: Howling Bells and Pete Yorn--though i must say i was not familiar with either.

Howling Bells put on a great show, i thought. Their dynamics were great, they had a uniqueness and a groove to their songs, and their presence was pretty good. And they were from australia. But, this morning when i checked out some of their stuff on itunes, i found the music to be lacking.... something. This totally dissuaded me from actually buying anything, keeping me on this side of the buying line. There was just an element in their set last night that made it so good, and if all of their music sounded like it did last night i would TOTALLY buy it, but for some reason the actual album just doesnt have what they produce playing live...

I think this is why people buy merch at live shows so much. There's a certain satisfaction that comes from hearing the music in the now, as it is being created, and it hits something in people. Live performance, in my opinion, will make or break a good band: bands that otherwise may not have an outstanding album, like Howling Bells (which you should all check out anyway--i only didnt buy any stuff because they set the bar high right off the bat), will sound really great live, and bands that have really good albums will absolutely suck in concert (Billy Talent, blink-182 [an anomaly, really: though they suck live musically, i have yet to meet someone that didnt thoroughly enjoy themselves at a blink show]). *edit* ideally, bands will have awesome albums and be even better live, much like Thrice, or this band.

in conclusion,

I enjoy following studio blogs for bands like this

Also, the two newest albums i am processing are Underoath's Lost in the Sound of Seperation, and as of this morning, i purchased the rest of Sigur Rós' newest, Med sud i eyrum vid spilum endalaust

hope

There would be absolutely no hope for my life if it wasn't for the Cross. It's quite comforting, actually.

*gasp*

Last night during the storm lightning hit really close to my house, surging my room waking me up with a confused gasp. so cool.

oops

went to class today (taking summer classes at OCC so i can become a teacher more quickly) via 3.5 mile trek on my dad's old awesome schwinn

sat through 3 hours of class thinking ''this all seems very familiar... but there's no way i've had this!

rode back home a little bit slower because of the buttox hurtage from the first time

checked to make sure that i havent had this class before

oops. i just took this last semester.

nvm, prof.

luckily there was an online one still open that worked for me, so i pulled a switcheroo and rejoiced at having an extra 6 hours of pantlessness.

jam star

I've been pondering about creative things lately, and there is one thing that I would like to re-affirm: corporate creativity is great. Creative clustering is something that i really like, and still wish i was part of in a bigger scope. example.

I have always enjoyed writing. I would like to start/join some sort of group, like the Inklings. we could meet on tuesday nights at some pub and smoke pipes and read our work to each other and give each other pointers.

I also really enjoy being able to just play music with someone. When you're alone its great too, but when you and somebody are just trackin' on some groove together, magic happens: harmonies break out, riffs are conceived, emotion audibly produced, its just great. I have always loved having a musical friends, but now more than ever i really just want to find someone that is more than a friend.... more like a ... buddy? yea, that sounds right.

i think with all creativity though comes quite a bit of discipline. I recently purchased a book called "Writing Science Fiction and Fantasy" by Orson Scott Card (phenomenal writer--both as a fiction writer and as a teacher) and read it in about a week. I really feel like writing is a major aspect of my creativity, yet there is something that has kept me back from going public with most of my ideas/work. One of the things that Card mentioned was that discipline isnt something that you just decide to go get, but its something that comes from within you. it's already there, you just need to tap into that. (strangely, this also ties into the Gospel in several allegorical senses....MDCCers can totes agree with that.)

So applying this to a larger area of my life, i realize that what i have now, in my head, in my notebook, saved on my computer in a .band file, its not always going to be what im creating and thinking of tomorrow. tomorrow i will move on to something else. So forming those ideas, allowing them to shape however they may, and embracing them now, thats what fulfills these creative urges that i feel.

so i spent about an hour or two today really just writing. why wait? came up with a few pages of stuff. thats a pretty sizable chunk. I have the whole summer to do this kind of stuff. its really great.

on a related note, for all of you that arent aware, i caught a sneak-peak of my brother's band's new cd... QUITE good. i was, with all honesty, not expecting much, because theyre just a local band, but this music literally blew me out of the water. its really good. thats all i can say about it though.

and completely unrelated: i kinda hope i get a job working outside this summer.

what a rant.

Dogsitting and pre-summer smells

I am watching the Dresser dog, Claire, so im staying at their house for 3 days. i forgot how bored i get by myself. i get to use their car though, thats nice, and its a stick so i love driving it.

The smell of summer is just starting to be uncovered. Its a mixture of bbq-grills, fresh air, growth, gasoline, heat, and dirt. i love that smell. im one of those guys that likes to catch a faint whiff of gasoline on my dirt-ridden hands by the end of a sweltering summer day.

kicking bad habits

in recent months, ive decided its time to start kicking bad habits. isnt it strange how dumb some of you habits can be, yet you have no idea how they originated?

well, i felt i have kicked the first one, and a few days ago i decided to stop biting my nails. let me tell you, its already been tough.

i plan to try and stop caffeine too. who knows how that'll go.

Detroit

It is a beautiful day in this town. Some days i just want to walk around and look at stuff. The climate is pretty great too. *sigh*. i love this city.

Weathermatics

Rain + Snow = Big wet chunks of cold stuff falling on my roof all night, sounding very much like santa/a thief.
Rain x Snow = a front lawn that looks covered in cottage cheese
Snow/Rain = Good snes day weather

Will Smith

I have always been a big fan of Will Smith, but when i think about it, i'm not really sure why. I always really WANT to like all of his films, but a lot of times, i get disappointed with how the storyline ends up playing out. I think what i like about him is his spirit and friendliness on-screen--his ability to make you think 'man, what a cool guy. i would definitely hang out with Will.' But the truth is, a lot of the movies he does just end up declining towards the end. The most recent example i have of this is Hancock, which i just saw for the first time tonight. I thought that the plot had great potential, and Will started off really well (scratch that--he stayed consistent the entire time) but the storyline just went in a different--and more disappointing--direction than i expected.

Dont get me wrong--i still think he's totally awesome, and i dont think any of his movies are BAD per say, its just that i always feel a little bit let down. The circle that i end up falling into is getting really excited for the next thing he does and then being disappointed when he wasnt as awesome as i wanted him to be.

Foresight

Hope drives me towards an uncertain end